Sometimes, life…

Have you ever just been so sad to the point of helplessness?

You are seated smack in the middle of your family, or maybe your closest friends and you are suddenly hit with this agonising ball of sadness.

You can’t feel, you can’t talk. You blink and you feel tears threatening to fall and you pray no one notices or you pray no one asks you anything so you don’t have to talk and they would notice your voice quivering.

You just sit still, or move somewhere quiet, so you can wallow in your self pity alone.

Or wait….do you really want to be alone or you want someone to ask you “Are you okay?”. You don’t even know. Because you are sad and confused.

Sometimes this feeling doesn’t come with a notice. It doesn’t come with a loud bang. You might just be on your phone, whistling to yourself, just browsing through Instagram’s xplore page or your friend’s WhatsApp status and it would hit you.

Why is everyone doing better than me?

Why is my life like this? Am I the only one ? Why am I so poor? Why don’t I have all I want? Will I ever have all I want?

And the despair becomes so great, you want to weep. There is no one you can ask “Why?” except God and sometimes it feels like he can’t hear you, doesn’t it?

Trust me, I don’t have the answers. It’s the same feeling I am in right now writing this. There is no remedy to it. You have to ride the wave till it’s passed. And whenever it comes, you try to hang on and ride again, till it’s past. Lest you drown.

You don’t want to drown in that, trust me.

But in all the years I have been feeling this way, this great repair, this feeling of “Will I ever make it through?”, there is one thing I have discovered. It can either mar me or break me.

Its my choice.

I am not content. I can never be content, till I get to that position where I can be comfortably content.

Some people are out there saying “Contentment is key”. Well, that’s alright. But where I am from, contentment doesn’t open shit for me. It’s not key for me.

It becomes key when it can get me the type of food I want to eat whenever I want to eat it.

It becomes key when it can get me the kind of hair and bags and shoes I want.

It becomes key when it can take me to all the places I want to go.

It becomes key when I can finally bless my family and take care of them.

But for now, I want to stay discontent. Discontent, because I am not where I am supposed to be and I don’t want to remain there.

I have a dream, a hope, an ambition and a conviction. And I have to fight to get there.

I have to put it in mind that I have where I am going and I MUST get there. I won’t keep calm until I get it. And that’s on period.

So whenever you feel that great ball of sadness enveloping you again, stay strong. It’s normal. Ride the wave. Open up your emotions and feel it. Sometimes the sadness gingers you. It energises you.

Maybe you have been lax, thinking “It is what it is”, well, you are wrong. It is whatever you make it out to be. And until you realise that, it is always going to remain what it is for you.

STAY STRONG, damnn.