DONT DO IT.

I see myself as a self confident woman. A liberated 21st century woman. A woman that is free to make her own decisions. A woman that is free to go wherever she wants to go to, as long as my parents are not around, of course, lol. I am a woman winning in a man’s world. I am educated and street smart, I am literate, beautiful.

I know that’s how we see ourselves, if not everyday, then once in a while.

Wait till you fall in love first.

That love thing will humble you. It will kick you off your high horse, tear down your shoulder pads and turn you into a quivering, teary bundle of insecurities and anxiety.

But it’s nothing to be ashamed of, as long as it hasn’t made you ashamed.

No matter how beautiful you are, no matter how wealthy you are, no matter how made you think you are, if your man starts texting a girl more than once a day, calls her three times a day, or even spare her a glance, even if she looks like a female Bigfoot, she would make you feel insecure. Why? Because of your man.

Love makes you do unspeakable and unthinkable things. You do things you usually mock others for. You go on your knees, beg, scramble, eat dust, but I tell you, when it’s getting to this, you need to back off.

Let me tell you about a particular type of men. These ones are to be feared. They will feed you love, bits by bits, while taking yours in large gulps. They will suck you dry until you have nothing left. Until you find yourself hanging on to scraps and pieces, watching as these pieces slowly becomes bits until you are left with fragments of what was once in existence.

That’s not all.

These fragments becomes imaginations. You are haunted by the few moments you were happy and you hold on to it. Hoping to revive it. To gear it back to life.

That’s when you become a pitiful mess of “Remember when”

“Baby, remember when we used to watch TV together? We don’t do that anymore”

“Remember when you used to tell me you love me every night before we went to bed? We don’t do that anymore”

“Remember when we used to talk and laugh about everything and nothing? We don’t do that anymore.”

“Baby when did you change? We never used to be like this?”

And then you get an answer that would douse your fear for two seconds, only for unhappiness to come slamming you back into your sad reality.

You wait and wait, anticipating the change he promised, but it seemed that change has decided to take the long way home.

The promise of change keeps you confined to your prison. But is it really a prison? You don’t seem to be held in shackles, just promises. Audio promises.

These breed of men would talk and talk, but like a toothless dog, no action to back it up. The ‘I must hurt you to love you’ men.

You find yourself apologising for something and apologising for nothing.

You apologise because your Dad called you and he thought it was a random man.

You apologise because you made that new hair and looked good in it.

You apologise for breathing while sitting beside him.

Why? Because you have no assurance of his loyalty. He is like the wind and you know he would blow past you soon if you don’t contain him.

So you tread on egg shells. You tread on glass shards, bleeding all over the floor, while still apologising for the mess you have made.

You cling on to him, holding on to the cloths on his back until you begin to irritate yourself. Why are you doing this, you continuously ask. But you have fallen in love with the wrong one and must wait it out.

You always manage to cook up love for him, but you are hungry for it, that’s why when he said I love you, you were quick to forget that has hasn’t said it in forever and it’s probably because you were climbing off the bed after a tumble with him that left you satiated, but empty. He said I love you and you didn’t mind that while he was in the toilet this morning, you checked his phone and he had said the same thing to two other girls. But you have been with him for two years, so God forbid you leave your man for the other girls to have him.

Then one day when he is completely tired of you. When he has drained you to the last drop and all of a sudden, you are too clingy. All of a sudden you are too good for him. But you shouldn’t worry because “It’s not you, it’s me”. Like that solves anything.

Then you don’t see him anymore. Well, not physically. You see him in your dreams, you smell him in your sheets. You burn all the bedsheets in your house, cut your hair, change your wardrobe just to feel like a new woman.

Your heart is broken, you are drowning in the flood of your own tears, trying to stay afloat. You are broken, so you are bleeding on those that genuinely want to love you.

But you don’t see it. Your walls are higher than the walls of Jericho but who can blame you?

After many years of hiding like a scared rabbit, you are finally ready. Ready to see the world again. Ready to give your new man a chance. You are smiling again. Thankful you dodged a bullet. Happy you weren’t destroyed by a love that took everything away from you.

You have a date tonight so you go grocery shopping. You turn left to walk down the aisle and standing right in front of you is the bullet you dodged. Since he left you, you have called him every colourful name in the book, but now that he is standing in front of you, all you can think is how gorgeous he is.

He can see it. The embers of love smouldering in your eyes and he wants to have a little harmless fun steering it back to life. He is eager to have a feel of that ready love you were so willing to give, that love that requires only lies in return because it was unrequited.

He smiles at you and you smile back. Swaying in the emotions wrapping itself around your feet. You feel yourself falling and you keep telling yourself he has changed.

He hasn’t. But keep telling yourself that and maybe you would believe it.

He would hurt you again and you would be a bigger fool this time.

Period.

Only God can save you now.

PS: All this plenty talk is for one thing. Your ex would eff you up. Stay away from them because there was a reason it didn’t work in the first place. Only two percent of people in this world go back to their ex and find peace. Studies have shown that the people that makes up that two percent haven’t been found. So if you want to go back to your ex, you can as well be our sacrificial lamb, come back and tell us how it went, though I think I have a premonition already.

Cheers.

And love, always.